I find it hard to live life and being myself in society without situations, people and the way society is and responds to my situation mostly unhelpful. I am quite surprised that I made it this far , and I am like my cat with 9 lives, well less one for my cat after falling off the balcony down three stories while he was sleeping.
Art has been one of the things that help me cope and distract myself from these problems that I have to face with every time I have to wake up in the morning to. I did think that moving from a less tolerant small town in South Africa to a city in the United Kingdom would give me a chance hoping society would be more tolerant and accepting. Sadly this has not been the case. Well, there are more benefits compared to being isolated and locked up in a bedroom, in a small town of people who are predominately religious and supported the abuse I got from my parents while growing up while discovering my gender with conspiracies that eventually came out as truth. The past has given PTSD that cannot be shaken off like water off a ducks back. It has made me adopt bad habits that ruin my health just for comfort, as well as the difficulty of socializing. Then the physical issues which grow worse slowly every year with the injury of having had broken back, which only increases my disability and wellbeing on a timely basis but also makes it difficult to spread my wings and take flight.
When having the full disclosure of what happened to me a month after I had been born, and expressing myself in society, thinking it would elevate my happiness, did quite the opposite. It has made me weary and unsecure when facing people, that I tend to keep more to myself than look for friendships and relationships. Often you would think people who has had a similar situation, such as being intersexed and facing a brick wall in life when it comes to tolerance, treatment and just living life, there may be a potential friendship, even when there may be disagreements on other topics other than sharing a common issue . This has not been the case, and those attempts which have been successful always have been interrupted by other people who influenced them to roll out rejection and thinning the bridge of understanding and tolerance, where instead of being friends you end up thinking and wishing them well for the future and that they would be successful in their lives.
I just wish life itself was not a continuous battle and a struggle against odds of just being who you are and from flourishing. Society is terribly structured around competition, bigotry and bureaucracy where there is very little room for coexistence. To get the help you need for example from the NHS extends to the PTSD with long waiting lists and examinations which I have to put in the background as the years of my life fade away. Creativity and art have been the things I could only keep myself busy on because the majority of things in life I find boring and depressing especially when it is monotonous and mundane. Then having the odd unusual experience does add a bit of excitement, but more often are very disappointing and lame, when it ends up not what you wish for. The very few friends I have even when I have made the big move our years ago, are distant and out of reach not because I am locked in a room , but this other barrier or prison is a transport issue heavily dependent on the monetary system structure of this planet. Fortunately it is not all bleak being able to work at an art studio has just helped me manage to cruise and survive emotionally up to this point, as well develop my art skills where I had not been rejected on the basis of so called talent but because I did not have the money to afford to learn things at a university. Most things in life I had experienced were rejections, and because of this I worry that the current and fears of future politics such as if the Conservatives or especially UKIP effecting the NHS to reject me in the whole idea of cutting costs, which would be no different to what Intersexed and Transgender people experience in South Africa, would greatly impact my wellbeing and ability to cope. Having a cat too has been a good thing, Nariahn distracts from thinking too much about these things inbetween art projects when this nonsense affects my mind on thinking on what art to do next.
