Things don't get any better

Today , while working, I have managed to start off with starting to work on the figures, background is more or less complete, and just needs final touch on the added plants details by adding more shadow to enhance realism.

So after I had done this I had spent the day waiting for the paint to dry while trying to decide on what digital art to start off with. I cant really think clear on what to start off with , with mixed feelings or excitement and anxiety about my holiday trip, getting away from Sunderland for a few days, escape winter to the south of the planet and spend a month in summer while its the middle of winter here. It is going going back to spend a holiday at my parent's on their expense, since they paid for the long haul flight down. I am also dreading the airports. I hate airports, borders , boundaries, customs etc etc, then sitting on a tin can with wings with primitive fossil fuel jet engines for 12 hours.  I would be having my neighbour look after my kitty, since I have all his food, and litter bought in bulk, and if anything is short of supply and things run out he should phone me, through my land line. I am nervous as well on what may or may not happen with the relationship of my parents and in the past. As I forgive them, since they never knew what they were doing because of their belief in a god that actually does not exist. They said it might be the last time the family would get together, due to serious changes in South Africa, all what they told me , is that the town is falling to bits, the roads are dug out, electrical cables have been pulled out of the ground, and there are regular power failures, and I would have to drink water from Jo Jo , (the tank where rain water is collected).  Fortunately my macbook has 9 hours battery life, so I can still do things offline, such as my art, create music, watch movies... but gaming would require to be plugged in since battery time would be reduced to four hours, since the fan kicks in for the graphics and CPU, and windows 7 in bootcamp is less conservative than OSX Mavericks with power.. (Yosemite is said to be just as bad).  I won't be online that time, but when I do go online it would be for paying my bills in the UK, checking up on the cat via webcam occasionally, and downloading emails, cleaning spam, and  replying personal emails. I am also assuming that Anannaniah might be making a final attempt of contact in this possibly last family reunion, which I don't think would be successful , and suspect she would only make appearances by hovering around the house and heading back off in the stars. She may not even come, knowing that her last visit , she did not feel welcomed by fear.

As you know recently I have been having issues with the decline of medical support based on the political cuts against NHS with this austerity bullshit , and the assumption that I have been improving a bit with handling psychological issues. Truth is they only taught me to hold in my feelings more, avoid people, and show people where I stand, if there is an issue. This has caused some issues, which might trigger off something like I had when I had a brake down in 2011, which lead me to get banned from a website, around the hoo haaah of an artist who I had admired as she had done intsresexed characters, and how I thought about them and my personal issues , and thought this artist would be someone that would relate to me or get advice etc etc etc... the whole thing went shit, I got banned , overdosed pills , went to hospital , peed blood, and had one traumatic thing after the next... which lead me being placed in limbo with the gender treatment.  When things got right there was some progress, but somehow with the political cuts, it has slowed down and I still don't know when the surgery would be done.

I have come a long away from how down I was since then, and I have improved, but I am more sensitive and try to take extra precaution to avoid a situation, knowing my PTSD would fuck things up very easily., and my personally shits and changes like the tides. Having Nariahn, my cat has been a great help as well, and including moving across the road and upstairs where days I would rather suffer from back pains going up the stairs, than having people bang on my windows, staring in my windows, or trying to force open the windows, while I am inside.

Well here has been a withdrawal of most of my doctors, but what has made me uncertain was hearing s being discharged from my CPN nurse. She has helped me with day to day things, and still was trying to set up a shower in the bathroom, because I find it difficult and painful to bath, and I can never get my hair cleaned properly. Also she has been a help to try and link communication between my GP and the gender doctor , in trying to get things working for me again. If it was not for my CPN, I would not be having appointments, also having her has also prevented my medical records from being hacked into and edited by the private corporations who wish to take over the NHS such as Capita, Serco , G4S etc...

Fortunately The Art Studio had seen the decline and relapse  and would be helping me with this before it would get worse...

At the moment I am feeling drained,  nauseous, stunned and could not careless to stop for traffic when crossing the road...