No Nukes, ETs came and Warned School Kids in 1994 at Ariel about WW3

Re Anti Gravity

Because, Gravity Sux

Because, Gravity Sux..

3D Artwork for my next oil painting which it would be based on, is about a bunch of space elves having a sensual moment in the centre of their cylindrical space station, where no gravity exists.

Sorry cant upload this on deviantart because of their stupid rules in regards to the three space elves and the one herm space elf with a penis.

UK Parliament has its priorities on War not NHS, wellbeing etc.. WTF

Dolphins

Oils on canvas, gift art for my cousin Linda Wright, of dolphins in an underwater scene.
http://www.zanaelf.org/paintings/Dolphins.html full size on my official website.

Intimate Union

May I be the guide for those who are on the path

Like a warping of space spectrum, or the quantumly entangled electron

To be a vessel of those who imagine to explore the stars in a prosperous future.

May I be like the stars of a solar systems giving warmth and life to living planets

To be the creative miracle, to give others hopes and dreams of creation

To be creators of life of a multitude of living things and beings.

My I bring an awakening of love, peace and prosperity

To free all beings out of sorrow, suffering and conformity

So that they are all awakened, where the individuals of consciousness

Sees themselves, place and meaning in the expanse of the infinite.

An intimate union that  is endless , no borders nor boundaries.

In other words, may the art take you on your journey

Through my inner universe to explore this infinite universe.

Koeksisters

http://www.zanaelf.org/digitalpainting/Koeksisters.html

 digital painting I done in with (Manga Studio, Photoshop in OSX) and  Corel Photo Paint and Apophysis(fractals) in windows. Koeksieters are a A South African desert, and the position these characters are in, intertwined looks like the desert delicacy. Where dough, that has been braided like hair is cooked in cane sugar syrup.

Also it is twisted like a 3 strand DNA, which reminds me of one of QKumba Zoo my favorite South African  artists  of the 90s. Good Gosh the 90s were the best. I cant seem to find the music video anymore on youtube.. which had the Avatar Trailer with the song. Sad when things disappear of the internet. It was even hosted via their offcial site. I cant seem to find the actual Music video for this song... its like it does not exist anymore. :(

I could only find a remix which sounds more housey, and it personally does not sound as good as the original being more happy-trancy-dancy , like Child Inside. I have asked them on Sound Cloud to post the original on Sound Cloud, I hope it is their official Sound Cloud account. They used to be full of happy electronic sounds that helped me with my depression when I sued to live in South Africa on the radio, especially when I was lying in hospital with a broken back.... Now their songs are sad like the dying Earth, as it moves closer to my worst nightmare, WW3. 

Anyway I had arranged the characters in the intertwined trib that reminds me of koeksisters, in a sort of tree like structure part of their spaceship, which spirals like  a  like the magnetic fields of planets and stars, blackholes and much more ... the the keys to space travel. The cyclicness and spin of all things.

fuck patents, they are holding the planet's progress back.

UK Government trying to hack my twitter now my computer.

Today I am feeling really down, especially when I heard that through government cuts to the NHS, they are starting to shut down the gender clinics, for transgenders and intersexed people. Since the Conservative government came in, there has been a reduction of medical help towards gender variant peoples. Where in cases where surgery would improve the wellbeing of people, especially intersexed people like myself who had forced surgery against our will or even knowledge, and only later in life we get to discover these things. 

I dont know if NHS staff in the gender specialisation clinic have been   told to procrastinate with their patients and use any stupid excuse to delay or even trash surgery, and also using the mental health deterioration  on top of childhood PTSD due to rejection and lack of support  from the delays to further back up delays, and burdans to eventually trash surgery, with the assumption, where the “patient is to unstable to undergo surgery”. Failing to understand or even recognise that the cause of the mental health problems is caused by not having the surgery. I myself had a traumatic childhood, where i always knew something was different about me, and only later get to discover the truth, but like where I was rejected by my parents, hoping I have now moved on from them to focus on having surgery to choose the gender that I associate myself more with, which would help me tackle my PTSD, traumas and other mental health problems that have evolved from this.

I feel sick, angry , crazy mad that the government would cut any opportunity to patch up my life and get on with it, after having experienced a traumatic , it feels like I am confronting my parents again, but this time it is the people that are medically equipped to help me. I suspect that the NHS does not seem to have much say , and are in fact manipulated to cut the help and trash my life, because this fucked up UK government of stupid fuckwombles, fuckmuppets and shitgibbons thing money is more important that my life, they think nuclear weapons, Trident is more important than my life. they believe war and WW3 is more important than my life. I am so angry that if ever they should close the clinic in New Castle, I am really tempted to go to number 10 downsing street and spraypaint my thoughts all over that house, and if the police should ever touch me, I would slit my throat in public as a protest. Money is more important than my life, money is more important than the future in their eyes, as they voted for Trident 

What has aggravated matters more, is that on top of grieving about this fucked up government has done to my future, where I dont see any hope where I would be capable of ever loving myself… A friend told me “ I must learn love myself” But wheat the friend fails to understand, is the forced surgery that was done to me, thus ruining my life for the rest of my life. Saying that I must learn to love myself, is like saying to a bird, that it must learn to fly that has had its wings chopped off.  People dont fucking understand. The Medical people don’t fucking understand. I precogged this will happen with this fucked up government, pleading with them to get on with my operation, knowing that my mental health issues would improve after it is done… they did not see, they did not understand. This was like two or more fucking years ago, I cant remember, This was part of my reoccurring nightmares, which now have Nuclear war is the most predominant thing in them. Now in my next appointment… “I would be saying, I told you so, you donty listen, because you believe bullshit instead of choosing to understand and help me !!!!”

What has aggravated me more besides being slumped out of hope because of the cuts to the NHS, and the closing of gender clinics, the fucking shitgibbons themselves, GHCQ asshats try and hack into my twitter account. What the fuck for ? why fucking hack into my motherfucking twitter account ? I dont get it,. I was given the alert through little snitch… so they could not get through with that, they then tried to hack my fucking iCloud … what the fuck ? because Apple has good encryption, they feel they can try access my Appleshit buy dumping some fucking code in my cache to pretend they are Apple asking for my iCloud password with a prompt when I am already fucking logged in ? (This is what the dialogue box looked like… and I was already logged into my iCloud, i was to hyped to take my own screenshot.)… 

you think I am that fucking stupid you fucked up stupid warmongering warshit government ? Or was it because I said on twitter that the BBC iPlayer TV would be monitored by GPS software within the App  and not a stupid fucking detector Van for people watching a fucking BBBC video player app without a TV licence. Whatever it is… what part of leave me the fuck alone do you not understand? What part of “No More War” do you not understand ? seriously the cuts to the NHS gender services…. I have the choice to do someting like vanadlise the prime ministers home, or kill myself… because I have no fucking life , i dont living on this planet… these stupid people think money is real, they believe money to be alive,…. reality check… natural resources is not money, it is what the planet provides, and you dont know how to fucking share and live with  your neighbours on this planet.

What Did We Create Oil Painting

An extraterrestrial, in her small spaceship who is part of the people who bioengineered life on this planet is holding her head down in sadness as Earth humanity start bombing each other in a WW3. She is wondering if the creation of human species is a failure as the bombs go off, as she drops the model/toy/ Earth squeeze ball, with her cat coming up to her sensing she is distressed, including the robot trying to say that she can start all over again or pick up survivors of earth people who refused to be part of this madness. 
referenced from my 3D manipulation work : http://extraterrestrialarts.deviantart.com/art/What-Did-We-Bio-engineer-597501771
I have also done a video describing it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LL4Wig9GSh0
Then also the music: http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/693555

NO TO NUCLEAR WAR, NO TO WW3

I have started to get my Nuclear Daymares

As you know the MPs in parliament debated Trident and voted for Trident and Nuclear Weapons quite recently Something David Cameron wanted to do and now since Theresa May is the New Prime minister since after #Brexit, its the first thing she focuses. She says she wont hesitate to press the red button and millions of people die.
 I originally wanted to go to London last week, but I had to attend a doctor's appointment., also it meant having to spend all my credit on my credit card. Instead I composed a music track , which I had not been well enough mentally to add lyrics to the song.http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/693555

I have been working on a painting to protest against nuclear weapons with an Eloha/Extraterrestrial who created/seeded life on this planet, crying that Earth humans have kicked off in a nuclear war.

I have pinned a tweet on my twitter profile DONT MAKE THIS PAINTING A REALITY WHEN IT IS COMPLETE, AND KEEP IT FICTION BY #BANNING #NUCLEAR #WEAPONS

No one listens or hears the warnings displayed in the painting, since it is almost complete and a lot has happened to shift the doomsday clock unofficially to two minutes to midnight, since Trident has been passed with the majority of the vote of MPs for it.

Before the Trident debate and vote , a black van had parked in the back lane , and I suspect it to be military, because it was the same van that was parked in the market square outside of the bridges the day after the Trident vote had being passed, and was doing military recruiting.

While the van was parked outside my broadband internet(my home wifi) and landline had been cut, to try and gag me from trying to contact/tweet the MPs while the Trident discussion and vote was taking place. I could only message a few, the ones in particular who were for Trident such as Theresa May. I least expected my local MP to vote for it, though a week and a half before , I had sent her a letter through CND, and got no response.  She has grown distant from responding to my recent letters I posted since Brexit via petition websites, in regards to human rights and the NHS.

I have been having very little sleep encase I would be falling into the reoccurring nuclear nightmare. With articles of nuclear weapons/trident in local newspapers to international websites, I have commented.., and as well talking to the neighbours whien I take my cat out for a walk. I am rather disturbed by the responses that general civilians, where I suspect there is some sort of mind control program on the go, where they are blocked from the seriousness, the prevention and saying no to nuclear war.

Today was another day going to Newcastle to the doctors in regards to my gender issues, more procrastination I would say instead of making goals and plans for an operation, which was rather depressing as it is in itself. After the appointment, headed back on the Metro train back home, stopped off to do some shopping to get fish pie, sushi, a chocolate bar, milk, chocolate milk and dry cat pellets for my kitty. I went back on the Metro , and just before my last stop between central station and parklane , I had a daymare daydream, where I can best describe it as a simulation. It felt so real. In the carriage setting opposite me was a child, a girl and her grand mother. The child was playing with her new toys her grandmother had bought her. All of a sudden there was a bright white flash, and the girl that was playing disintegrated before my eyes, as the chairs, paint and glass melt out of the carriage, and her silhouette gets imprinted against the metal side of the train. I felt myself disintegrating feeling intense heat on my skin, inside my body, as if I had been incinerated also. I knew what this was. I thought this was it, nuclear war had started , and I was in the middle of the blast. I was more disturbed and hurt seeing a young girl incinerated by the nuclear blast in front of me, with her silhouette stained on the metal side of the train. Then it ended, I woke up out of this simulation. I found the train was not moving. 

I asked anyone who would listen, what had happened. They said the train's power had cut out, and it is dead, and we would have to wait for the power to turn on so the train could start moving again. I was glad that what had happened was not real, and everyone was still alive.

I started crying, because what I had experienced was so real. I did not look out of the window if there were any extraterrestrials spaceships outside. But I feel this was a simulation that was beamed at me, which was so strong it caused the train's power to cut out, that this is a glimpse of the future if people go ahead with nuclear war. 

Brexit, UK’s Biggest Fuck-up Ever, a prime example for the need of Geniocracy and Paradism, USA looks like it is also going to be a kakistocratic dilemma.

I am going to say, well always said this referendum was a stupid idea compiled on the basis of David Cameron arguing against Nigel Farage, and never seen Labour, SNP, Green Party etc even be heard about this. I originally never thought this would be enrolled, but it has enrolled and people voted Leave.

I myself never participated in the voting, because I felt the whole Idea of the referendum was stupid and was based on David Cameron having an argument with Nigel Farage, and so they they got the entire nation involved in this stupid argument, not realizing the serious aftermath of in or out, with out being worse off and more dramatic than being in. Regardless of it being in or out , things would never ever be the same again, and today only people are waking up and realizing this shit, and it is to late, but is going to require more hard work to fix shit up, especially that Leave is the winning vote. 

The whole concern about the referendum was disturbing, since the focus was on money and currency and not about human rights, the welfare and wellbeing of human beings. What was even more disturbing was people were gambling and betting on the result of the outcome of the referendum, as this was mentioned on the news, and the evidence of this was seen in the rapid fluctuation of the Pound currency. It made me sick that I wanted to puke, seeing people’s bread, butter and livelihood being placed on the gambling table. http://uk.businessinsider.com/matthew-shaddick-head-of-political-betting-at-ladbrokes-interview-on-eu-referendum-2016-5

The vote had been rigged , there is no doubts about it, be it the use of psychology , where it gets so extreme that trustworthy MP Jo Cox had been assassinated by the Leave supporting group. The referendum should have been cancled or postponed because of this barbaric and primitive act where an neo nazi assassin had been paid to kill the MP in the background by Cameron, Borris and Nigel Farage. Nigel Farage had been the whole mastermind of this assassination and the referendum as a whole. I even suspect that he was gambling with the votes, and won a hefty amount of money out of the results of the referendum. 

Nigel Farage and Borris and the leave campaign made false promises of the NHS that they would have 350 million for the NHS, using that lie to win votes for leave, knowing that people are suffering, including myself with the cuts to the NHS by David Cameron, George Osborne , and Ian Duncan Smith. So he tried to get votes from the sick and disabled, and people agreed to vote for leave for this false promise which the next day Nigel said the idea of giving 350 million towards the NHS was a mistake.

More than half of the people who voted did not know what they were voting for, as google stats show that after Brexit , people searched the meaning of EU, because they did not know what it was they voted leave from. The public was not educated and aware on what they were doing, but they were brainwashed with stupid debates and political adverts. A large majority of Leave voters voted leave in protest against the government to make David Cameron retire. I personally thought David Cameron would remain as Prime Minister , since after all he had been the mastermid of this including being involved behind the scenes of the assassination.  David Cameron bailed and decided to resign and changed his minded to stay on as PM because it would lead to many breadcrumbs to the assassination.

Nigel Farage’s comment in saying not a bullet had being fired , does reflect the guilt that bullets had been fired in regards to the Jo Cox assassination , and he never mentioned anything about her, and never showed remorse towards her death, and that her children are now motherless all because of a stupid referendum. 

What is even more disturbing is Trumpty Dumbty coming to the UK to troll with the results of the referendum , especially in Scotland , where the majority of the votes were in, throwing an image as if he were voted in from the USA by the UK.

Then the whole reason of using “Immigrants” as a reason to vote leave was extremely stupid, where in fact austerity is to blame. If shit goes downhill , looks like Brits would be becoming refugees and Immigrants to other countries.

The majority of the voting was done with pencil ! They even call this a conspiracy theory, and even a pole station   worker had been rubbing out the ballots and changing the vote been caught on video… and this gets dubbed as conspiracy… !!

http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/525273/Conspiracy-Brexit-vote-counter-rigging-EU-referendum-Britain-UK

I am personally concerned and worried as an individual about this outcome especially because I am intersexed and rely on the NHS , hoping that one day I would get my operation done and not just be stuck on treatment , having to deal with my mental health issues such as PTSD, depression and anxiety becoming bigger and growing worse with my operation waiting opportunity of being delayed, getting more discrimination because of being Intersexed, as well as receive cuts to my employment support allowance. 

since Brits are becoming more fascist and the authentic British Citizenship on my British Passport is getting dirty and just as ugly as my South African one because countries and politics around the whole planet is focusing more on bigotry and racism. 

I have had a shit life to deal with, which is why I came to the UK hoping to start a new life. I get the feeling that racism , bigotry, and intolerance had followed me to huant and torment me further.

(Censorship on ISPs already started-site blocked in default Browser, and only accessible via Tor). 

I am also concerned what austerity measures government is going to throw out on people’s Benefits, make food, rent and utility bills go up once a new Prime Minster is elected or unelected , because the voters have turned the UK into a complete kakistocracy, as close as to the politics of the United states 2-party system.

So what is there to learn from this ? What happened this week is a prime example that there is the need for geniocracy http://www.rael.org/download.php?view.182 and paradism www.paradism.org , because the whole referendum was about money, and it was even betted and gambled on ! It was not about the rights of people, their wellbeing, their stability, their sustainability as a disconnected nation or as a nation part of the European nations or as part of a nation on the entire planet. 

People who think about borders and boundaries, and controlling people like cattle on a farm are simple minded and ignorant to the fact that we all live on a single planet, with diverse cultures, beliefs, ideas , and that only consciousness , intelligence , love and yes notably supra consciousness is the only thing that would keep the undity of humanity from braking apart into primitive fascist bigoted  waring intolerant tribes, that destroy everything in the wake harming the natural tangible resources the planet can provide, which money fails to be at a constant with. 

Brexit would have a negative impact on the evolution of capitalist and socialist social ideas into  paradism , because of its negative impact it would have on scientists, artists, inventors and creators. People who actually make shit, and make shit happen. Brexit is only going to support the money diseased slave masters of the currency-policy world  and its delusions of ethics , standards and traditions.

Sensual Session

Sensual session, a sensual piece of some extraterrestrial space elves having a splendid time in their spaceship with each other while orbiting , exploring and visiting planet Earth.

Dolphins

Digital render reference for the oil painting I am doing for gift art for my cousin. All compiled and rendered in Vue 10 xStream, though dolphins were done and exported from Poser and then imported into Vue in 3DS format.

Eggs-Terminate

Eggs Terminate

A play on the word exterminate in which Daleks use before attempting to destroy a target. Daleks are villains on Dr. Who TV series. Here you see a Dalek exterminating eggs of my own custom xenomorphic Alien hybrid, which looks more humanoid in appearance.. It is a loose cross over of Dr. Who and Alien, where my Alien is my own custom version of it. The Japanese text indicates that the Alien is pissed that her eggs are being eggsterminated. Its the default commic sttrip text that is in the Manga Studio side panel library. 

I intended to do this bit of digital art for fun, hope it would cheer me up , get possible fans or freinds and as well as positive feedback for motivation on new work. This work had been done for satire, humour and social media interaction.  I stalled and completed this work slowly since I have a lot on my mind in regards feeling like I have been abandoned by the gender treatment services, and the delaying with with further excuses in delaying my operation which has made life on this planet feel like everyday I am just scraping through not knowing that I would have a future, and the rest of my life is going to be a lot of pain and suffering. I posted the blog here: 

http://zanaelf.blogspot.co.uk/2016/04/reply-to-article-about-banning-surgery.html

Seriously, I am tired of the social things memes etc, and just going to continue on my sensual based work. Its what I enjoy most, and it is what helps me escape people and the attitudes of people in general. That works, this attempt has failed. 

http://zanaelf.newgrounds.com/news/post/959880

Even on devinatart at this present time, not even one favorite just proves that this idea of work is a failure, back to drawing nudes, sensual stuff... to escape from things.. else I am going to think about killing myself. 

How Money, Religion, Violence effected my life.

I have decided to do this brief blog, to explain myself why these things have effected my life, how they have caused PTSD and how I react to people, when people don't understand what I am trying to say. I am going to keep this simple into the point and avoid it becoming a biography or essay, in other words TL;DR.There is a lot more , but i just select events that i can remember.

1) Money.
I dislike money and how the planet made this virtual commodity more important than life itself, the resources the planet provides , and the ecology of the planet. I had been born with both genders, had forced surgery done to me to the gender at the wishes of my parents. When i told them I wish to be the opposite to the gender of their wish, they declined on the basis of religious beliefs and the cost of having it done. When I was raped  at a night club in South Africa , I went t hospital. They do not have an NHS like in UK, they have medical insurance like the USA, but call it Medical Aid. I had to call my parents who lived in another town 100kms away, so they could get the medical insurance monies sorted, and took over an hour before getting treatment, and be seen by a nurse before even thinking about getting treatment by a doctor later on in the evening. While I was waiting, people injured from street violence, muggings etc with stab wounds and gashes were waiting in the area. Because South Africa had high poverty, not many can afford medical aid/insurance. They had to produce cash or credit cards. Even so those who were mugged victims may have lost cash/credit cards in the violent incidence. They were told to wait for paying patients to get treated first , and if no more patents that had cash/credit cards/medical aid/insurance, they get treatment. Obviously they had none of these. I saw them bleed to death while I was waiting to get treatment for my rape. Their dead bodies were dragged out to the morgue. Now I am in the UK, and  on the NHS, was moving forward, Now with government does cuts to NHS, I have been put aside and given excuses and have been delaying the operation, because the government believes saving money for UK's military , is more important than my life, and the lives of others.

2) Religion
As you know as above I had been born with both genders. The reason why forced surgery was done on me was because of the belief of my parents. They believed the devil caused this, and they were correcting God's creation. Throughout my childhood, I had been bombard with indoctrination about the christianity, and been through several cults and versions of it, when my parents moved from one church to another. I had been forced into a Christian school , where indoctrination did not end at home. First day at the school I got punished, by being beaten by the school staff and headmaster because I asked to many questions and did not conform. I am glad i did my thinking and analysing,  and with the help of being visited by an extraterrestrial third parent I broke free from these  beliefs. I would have ended up like my brother who now is a teacher of one of these schools. Though knowing what I learned from the extraterrestrial, made life more understandable and easier in some ways, but harder when when having to confront conformity everyday. My parents would often try get pastors and ministers to perform exorcisms on me, this has caused a lot of my mental problems and how I relate to people.

3) Violence.
I have encountered a lot of violence, especially in the form of punishment when I did not comply to the religious beliefs of my parents and primary school, and even the church I had been forced to attend. I had experienced violence at high-school which was not part of this christian school thing, but was a normal school. I encountered violence because of being different in many ways, with the obvious being my intersexed issues. I was seen as alien. The violence was bullying, being beaten up, and forced into smoking cigarettes, which was the alternative to being beaten up, At university , one night when accessing the computers(laptops were expensive, and tablets, smart phones did not exist at the time). I was stabbed in the leg for what little money I had, cheap mobile phone brick, and a pack of floppy disks, in a woollen pouch made by my only friend at the time who understood me on campus, where we used to meet and feed the stray cats in the evening. I had been threatened to be have being shot, because my student residence window faced an alleyway where mini bus taxi diver drug dealers, parked and cleaned their AK-47 rifles. , because their money earned by drugs was more important than my life. I told them i don't see anything., they left me alone with their threats.  When riding my bike through town one night. There was a shooting between rival taxi gangs. I happened to be pass through at the wrong time, and they started firing their AK-47s at me for no reason. The bullets missed me, perhaps it is because they were too high.

Increase in UK Military air patrols = Decrease in my personal UFO/ET visits

One of the main reasons why I have had a major reduction in ET/UFO visits, is that the Airforce is on alert to any aircraft that appears to be unknown, as you see in this article , where the title is not Sonic booms heard in Yorkshire as Typhoons are scrambled | UK news | The Guardian but RAF Typhoon fighters scrambled to intercept Air France jet over Yorkshir


http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/may/03/sonic-booms-heard-in-yorkshire-as-quick-alert-typhoons-are-scrambled

The military is getting more money to keep up patrols from the council tax, via CAPITA. Don't agree , then ask yourselves why the sunderland police station has been reduced to a copshop, firestation is on the verge of closing, The Art Studio I do art, is on the verge of closing. I am threatened from being banned to have my gender operation because of my smoking addiction. and the whole list of cuts go right through the UK. All these cuts happened the same time when the sick, disabled, and unemployed were forced into paying council tax which they never did in the past. It is the same time when it was privatised by CAPITA.They increased the council tax fee, and yet why have not people noticed that an increased fee would not allow the closure of public services ? Are people so blind and stupid , that they don't even notice a penny drop from under their noses , and so complaint that everything is carrying on as normal , that if I should bring up the topic they call out the bullshit card while being backed up by their own ignorance to what is really going on ? Obama came to the UK. Everyone assumes it was about the vote/debate on Brexit (leaving/staying in the EU and trades with the USA. If you heard and seen between the lines of his political gassing and bullcrap, you would discover that he wants UK to focus more of its money and resources on defence, and the military. Obama wants the UK to follow suit in having an estimate of 3/4's of the tax money to sponsor arms, weapons and military , instead of half which nobody knows about because much of the information to where the money is going in the UK is censored , hidden and covered up with lies and corruption.

Reply to article about banning surgery for people who have obese or smoking problems

I tried to use the form on your page https://reportuk.org/2016/04/22/surgery-ban-for-obese-patients-wrong/

It did not work.

am Danielle
I have been waiting to have gender reassignment surgery, and I have not even put on a waiting list , since i am still waiting to be put on a waiting list. I suffer from PTSD from childhood due to the way I was born, and my parents got a doctor to perform forced surgery on me, a mnth after I had been born. They were extremely religious, and did not realize they were abusing me because they believed they were doing the right thing before God, which I don't believe exists.  Not only that my PTSD was caused by my parents, it had been created by being bullied at school by teachers, school staff, sports staff, other pupils.

I had been bullied into the habit of smoking just to be accepted, and being around in the second hand smoke of my father, when he smoked, was like petroleum to a fire that made the addiction to nicotine intense.   Smoking  became something I relied on to cope with the problems and several suicide tendencies . I had also been raped when I was a student in South Africa, and later on TV there, I found that my rapist moved to the United States and got caught , since he ended up being a serial killer.

With the government making cuts here , there and everywhere it has made my life a lot more stressful , and difficult to cope that smoking is a way to chill-out and distract my mind from the problems so I can , focus and meditate and work on my artwork, which makes me escape from this hellish life I live in.

Recently I had my appointment with the gender specialist who kept on making excuses to delay me from having an operation or even be put on a waiting list for one. First  excuse was about my PTSD and its causes in the deterioration of my mental health, failing to inderstand that the gender issue has been the foundation of the trauma all along. When they sort “understood” after I went through a suicidal attempt after delaying me from further appointments , there next excuse was my weight. I had put on a bit of weight , being a little over weight, but was never obese.  I took up body boarding  as a it’s the only exercise I can do because I have a bad back, as I would only dream to surf, and I cant run, walk very far, or cycle. I cant do swimming in the public pool because the time limit restriction would cause my mental health problems caused by my PTSD to tick, which would get me into trouble where they might call the police, to evict me from the swimming pool. I don’t want that. I had started to loose weight and was ambitious that I can finally move forward to have the operation done, so I can focus on other thing in my life, the last excuse was my smoking problem. I have  bad back because I broke it in a suicidal attempt back in 2001 by jumping out  of the third story window of my parent’s house, because of the gender issues and they rejected my letter I wrote to them to stop the secret about what they did to me.

This is the hardest one, and I feel I have reached a dead end and had been refused surgery until I quit. I never have been given the help I need to help me quit. This last rejection had brought my wellbeing right down, that I don’t do much anymore, I stall in my artwork, taking it slower than usually. I have more suicidal thoughts I have to fight everyday. I I have reached the point of breaking down , since I do not have any hope for moving on in my life. I know I will have more willpower to quit smoking once I have had my gender surgery, because that is the foundation stone of trauma that caused the smoking in the first place.  I feel like I am living in a Limbo counting the years of my life going by , without having a life of my own to be my true self. Almost every day is like living in hell, some days in my life have made up for the loss of years in my life, but they are very short lived, like meeting like minded friends in London, getting praised about my artwork at the studio I do my work in, which is also on the verge of closing because of these cuts. I feel every opportunity to have a life being taken away from me, where I end up smoking more.

I am not sure what to do, I take every day as it comes, and anymore stress, hassle and rejection, intimidation, bullying in real life , where people take away my hope of having a future, what is left of what is left of it away fro  me, I will one day never survive the thoughts of attempting suicide or even a successful suicidal attempt.

I need help to get this big obstacle in my life sorted which would make my other burdens such as the smoking habit easer to tackle, and that is the gender surgery.

I hope I get heard, thank you if you are listening.

I am so depressed i feel like killing myself ..

I am so depressed i feel like killing myself ..

What Did We Bio-engineer ?

3D Rendered work for next oil painting, which I am going to use as a reference for.
An extraterrestrial, in her small spaceship who is part of the people who bioengineered life on this planet is holding her head down in sadness as Earth humanity start bombing each other in a WW3. She is wondering if the creation of human species is a failure as the bombs go off, as she drops the model/toy/ Earth squeeze ball, with her cat coming up to her sensing she is distressed, including the robot trying to say that she can start all over again or pick up survivors of earth people who refused to be part of this madness.

Space Fairy

Fairy flying through warp space/wormhole

Microsoft has trashed a good part of Windows , the Media Centre

I don't know what is wrong with Microsoft, but they have ditched an extremely useful piece of software, called Windows Media Centre in windows 10. Windows media centre is so good, that all you need is an old PC or Mac with a decent enoouph graphics (preferably a 2008-2009) model device, and se it as a smart TV. Use two screens then it becomes a hybrid PC/TV system. Where can you get a system like that ?
Nowhere.
I originally got an old mac, which runs Snow Leopard, it has FrontRow, which has all the features of Windows Media Centre (except viewing latest movie trailers). Frontrow, lacks the ability to get TV signal from a USB TV dongle, where the arial signal is converted through USB to be then read by some software.  I got myself a dongle, but it came with the Mac Fuugo software, which is not very good. The sound quality is bad, it senses less channels , and if the signal is port due to bad weather , it has an annoying pop-up with no signal buffering to compensate a poor signal, and when the signal is poor the sound gets load and scratchy.  Windows Media Centre has better sound, and sound settings , and uses sound enhancement plugins and codec packs such as K Lite for media player, making the media centre play almost any format like VLC. Apple ditched Front Row or Apple TV .. which itself i don't thank has the ability to plug in a USB TV dongle, making it replace your box set, or TV.

All the smart TVs and Android boxes , Apple TV boxes etc out there are a marketing gimmick , because they all feature a store. Windows Media Centre you can load your own stuff, and can run it if your internet is down.

What is nice is you can skin your Media Centre, and make your own colours and backgrounds , your own personalised TV. I used a downloaded them called "Home World" with a planet and moons, which does match up with my own art wallpapers on the second screen. No more boring TV guides 

If you not watching TV or your video and movie collection , with all the plugins, you can play your iTunes library through it (Songs need to be on NTFS drive else it work, you can create playlists in Windows Media Player, and open them in Media Centre). You can even play radio stations depending on your USB dongle, and also depending on the dongle, they may not be in the radio section of Media Centre, but in the TV section. DMCA's stuff which you bought in the Apple Store would have to be re-encoded , you can use Garageband/Logic etc to do that, so you can access them in all OS's on your partitions.

Because Microsoft killed the Media Centre, the streaming channels and plugins or getting discarded with page 404 errors, which is a bit unfortunate, where the focus is on separate apps... or you are forced to use the computer browser.

See how awesome and cool the channel info looks... compared to the boring mundane mainstream design on TV's and box sets ?

Media Centre also has the ability to take in cable or satellite and not only standard arial , if you have the right dongles. If your satellite provider's digibox's TV guide looks boring you can make it look better with Media Centre...

I recommend stay on windows 7 because of the Media Centre software... replacement software either lacks a feature or function, because most websites say, just install VLC media player... Kodi etc.. Kodi is like Front Row.. no TV dongle support., and VLC media player is not Media Centre software, its a Media Player like windows media player, does not suffice if you wish to use a computer as a TV/Music Player/Video Player to replace the TV, boxset etc.

Oh and here is my remote app on the iPad.

Beaches of Asuria Narah oils

Thick Oil Paints on Wood..
The beaches of Asuria Narah, the home planet of the rainbow space elves, an amphibious people. The vast stretches  of of purple beaches and green,blue purple vegetation, and turquoise oceans of bright blue bioluminescent plankton. The two planets orbit the two bodies actually orbit around a common center of gravity somewhere between them like Pluto and Chiron , The large being Asuria , and the slightly smaller one being Narah. Both are Island jungle worlds. The two planetoids share one single rocky moon like Luna , which orbits them both in a figure 8 orbit, around the two mother planets.
The meaning of Asuria , is divine 
The Meaning of Narah , is happiness 
So the planetary system is called Divine Happiness. 

Update: Things are not getting better

I just come back from the gender specialist, It does not look like I have any hope to have an operation and get on with my life and leave the past behind. The past seems to be haunting the future. As what I had feared will happen is happening. I hate it that I have this precognition, it makes me feel life is not worth living. At first I think its paranoia, and my mind is being negative, and imagining things that wont happen because they are too far fetched,  but when they eventually happen it is a shock, and there is no going back in time to fix and warn myself, that what I see is a real glimpse of the future. What has happened is they have collected a variety of excuses, changing my data, my medical history, and censoring it just so they can dismiss me to save money. This is my life here.. Why is fucking money important than me ? My parents covered up that they got a doctor to surgery on me a month month after I was born for 29 fucking years. Now someone is trying to cover-up this forced surgery , changing my data and blood results and saying it never happened... to save money ? to save fucking money instead of my life ? To make me live through hell until WW3 starts ? I am on the verge of killing myself... enough is enough.. being concerned about my cat is what made me not do it today... I hate living on this planet