Friday, 31 August 2018

please help me

I live in UK and suffer from PTSD from abusive childhood and a rape experience. I have a broken back,from attempted suicide and recently live on ESA and PIP from the DWP in UK. I am in the process of getting gender surgery done, as I am Intersexed, and parents a month after was was forced into the gender what they wanted me to be. In order to get surgery done I needed be mentally stable, and was hoping to start off with surgery next year once I have met health objectives and requirements to qualify for surgery like focusing on quitting smoking etc, so the surgery can be successful. The surgeon mentioned that I have a few complications because of the small amount of tissue I have remaining down there, as well as the risks I have with a broken back, which issues could arise because of the broken back.  I had been planning to focus on this, before anything else, requires a lot of thinking and planning, and the surgery in itself is a big thing because of the possibilities of things going wrong. 
I have PTSD from past traumas of attempted suicides of my parent's religious beliefs in refusing to accept me as the gender I feel I am, being stabbed and almost bled to death for a mobile phone in South Africa, raped by someone who turned out to be a serial killer.
The DWP jumped to soon while I am in the middle of this medical process, forced me to do a fit-for-work assessment. Still on ESA, but they changed the ESA from Support Group to Work related Activity group, where you are forced to do things, like answering the phone, doing interviews, or being forced to work with group of people you don't know. If you fail, they sanction you until you end up being forced homeless, or driven to suicide, something which i have done before. Monday I receive a call from them. I am afraid that I might miss the call when passed out, or I get the call and the way they talk to me would cause me to self harm or try suicide again. 

The DWP have been sending spies and stuff to harass me including pretending to be an extraterrestrial friend, so they can gather information, and use it to attack me. This has seriously effected my mental health, that I stay away from people.
Last week when I had been traumatised from the spying and ET friend impersonator on twitter, I was called to be examined by a GP by the DWP. I never seen this doctor before at the practice. A week later today I made an appointment with my actual GP. Arrived and found this GP there, as i was wanting to equire about my injections and also make an appointment to see a psychologist to get professional help. I broke down in corridor at the practice, and asked where my actual GP is, the one that regularly does my checkups, blood tests, and injections. They say he no longer in practice. I feel that he might be there still, and DWP forced the practice not to get help from my GP.
earlier this week, I got a letter that I need to go to another work capability assessment for my PIP, which i use for taxi fair to the Art Studio, as I cant walk the distance anymore with my broken backThey want to cut this to force me to be stuck living in my flat alone. Also the work activity groups they would force over to prevent me from going to the art studio,for slave labour.

I had to return home withe a new GP appointment with another GP whom I know has been at the practice from what I known and filled in when my original GP was on holiday leave.  that is on Wednesday after the time where i get that call from DWP is on Monday. 

I contacted the crisis team(suicide helpline), they suggested I contact DWP to tell them that I might pass out and miss the call, or that when they talk they could drive me to self harm or attempted suicide. I told them i cant, because I am afraid at the moment to talk to anyone from DWP i don't know. She said i must do, which caused me to fall, and lie on the ground, banging my head repeatedly on the kitchen cupboard until everything went black. My head is swollen and sore.

There is a chance that I might miss the call, from passing out and getting sanctioned, or answering the call, and the things they say might drive me to self harm again or attempt suicide. I tried to contact my GP today to set up appointment for psychologist. The GP not there anymore they say, I came home with no psychologist appointment and the fear of this doctor who did a DWP examination on me to give me injections.

I have no professional help, i know I would do it when they drive me to it, and i wont be able to stop myself.

Sunday, 19 August 2018

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  This extraterrestrial says she is busy with the "exploration of humanity continuous for planetary advance"

An attempt to combine 2D with 3D art. Character & Cat drawn from scratch in Manga Studio/SuitTextures in Photoshop&CorelPhotoPaint, UFO created in Z Brush, Buildings created in 3Ds all imported into Vue. Reason to do background with 3D software was to speed up the work (Been having a lot of IRL shit happening to me, where my mental health has deteriorated), and improve accuracy. Background was pre-sceteched, and close to actual sketch.

There are Easter-eggs in the work.

Since this image is now posted on my website, I will show you some of these Easter eggs. I though I would include all these events as Easter eggs relating to the art  to reduce arguing about the subject of successive events in history due to the massive amount of uncertainty the stupid authorities of humanity have created to keep people ignorant and in the dark, that are all the same type of extraterrestrial and with similar spacecraft design.

http://www.zanaelf.org/01homepage.html

Friday, 17 August 2018

My life is stuck in a cycle of bullshit

Been stalling on my recent artwork, because of certain things are fucking up in actually getting shit done in moving on in life.
At the moment I have been considered mentally stable enough to qualify for surgery after focusing on getting the health prerequisites prepared for surgery, the DWP decided to jump ahead, instead of waiting for me to get the fucking surgery done, which would have been the logical outcome of my situation. But this stupid government has no logic, and everyone is a cash making machine to the system of the human stock farm called a country, and not treated like people of the planet.

I have PTSD that any stress would cause me to self harm, and my sole focus should be preparing for the surgery, not doing things that would affect my mental health in coping with day to day bullshit that people throw at me, which the work activity group would most likely do in making my mental health stability worse.
They moved me off Support Group ESA to Work Activity Group, where I would have expect to do things, and if i cant do them because of my problems.
This is very much almost the same as part f my reoccurring nightmare, where my surgery gets cancelled (Time condensed into a nightmare that is a few hours could be years.

..but Brexit and Trump has already happened. Its two minutes to midnight and WW3 is close even when the North Korean issue has been placed under ice, Nukes still exist... and there is 15000 of them on this planet aimed to different regions of the same planet. Like a dude with a thousand guns pointed to his own head.

If i have a breakdown like in 2011 , my surgery gets delayed another 5 to 10 years if I survive another attempted suicide, my body is already in bad condition because of it. When that day happens  it personally is an indicator when the mushroom clouds appear, 80:20 I survive and die from radiation poisoning in the arms of an extraterrestrial who rescues me after the war, because it wasn't safe to rescue me, with the space force now in place, or get vaporised with my silhouette plastered on the inside of a train, with a nuke detonating close outside near the railway line.

I am barely coping, and I am nervous and deteriorating under the stress and fear of the first interview, such as urinating and defecating in my sleep on rare occasions, passing out and fainting on the concrete flat floor, chipping a tooth or two, excessive vomiting after eating and fear of self harm from unwanted stress caused by discrimination, attempt of bulling by bigoted people on the street for just being born different, walking with difficulty because of a broken back and having to deal with stupid people who don't understand my situation face to face....

The extraterrestrial told me, they sorry they could not rescue me, because they were shot out of the sky and bailed death....and i in tears that they almost lost their own life to try and save mine.
There is nothing special about me, like they think I am, I am broken, and I am fucked I was probably that beautiful flower, but now just like a plant who had been under the tires of a bulldozer, that moved back and forth several times. The first was a month after I had been born with forced surgery to the gender of my parent's wishes and the so called fucking "will of god".

Friday, 6 July 2018

Pirate Galleon Ship

Based on the digital work I had done as a reference
Done with acrylics, metallic acrylic paint and glitter paint.. It has effects with light shining on it at different angles.
I decided to leave the idea of a sea monster out... would needed more time to do it, since this piece had a due date.

Saturday, 23 June 2018

Galleon Pirate Ship


Finished The digital work and start painting in Acrylic, as no time to do it in oils, because of the speed oils dry is to slow.

Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Because Gravity Sucks


Oil Paints on Canvas Because, Gravity Sux.. is based on, is about a bunch of space elves having a sensual moment in the centre of their cylindrical space station. Elements are textured in a way they can be felt as seen by running your fingers across the painting.

The Calm Before The Storm



The Calm Before The Storm, the title of the oil painting I had worked from the digital piece I created for the Tall Ships event in Sunderland.